Over the years, one question keeps coming up more than any other:

“I’m new to kink—how do I start?”

It’s a fair question, especially if you’re just beginning to explore. With nearly five decades of experience in kink communities (yes, it’s been that long), I’ve had plenty of time to form strong opinions. But instead of giving just my own perspective, I reached out to others.

To gather a wide range of ideas, I asked people in my network—folks deeply involved in the kink world from all over the globe. I shared the question on platforms like Pervert.Chat (an online community for kink) and Twitter.

Their responses offered great advice, and I’m excited to share what they had to say.

Start With Consent — Always

When stepping into the world of kink, one of the most important things to learn first is consent.

Think of consent as a clear “yes” — not just once, but throughout any experience. Whether you’re holding hands, trying something new in the bedroom, or exploring kinkier activities, permission matters every step of the way.

Consent isn’t just about saying yes at the start. It should continue during the experience. People can change their minds at any time, and that’s okay. A “yes” today doesn’t mean “yes” tomorrow — or even five minutes from now.

To understand this better, look into resources that break it down simply. One great place to begin is an article called How To Talk About Sex (And Consent): 4 Lessons From The Kink Community. It offers helpful tips and examples that make the topic easier to grasp.

Finding Your People

One of the best ways to grow in the kink world is by connecting with others who share your interests.

People who enjoy kink are often called kinksters. But don’t think there’s just one big group — kink is made up of many smaller communities, each with its own vibe and focus. These groups often overlap, but the ways people practice kink can be very different. That’s what makes it so diverse and interesting.

While the internet is a great place to start, especially for learning and asking questions, try not to rely on online spaces alone. Meeting people face-to-face builds trust in a way that chatting online can’t always offer. Making eye contact and having real conversations helps you feel more connected and confident.

A good place to meet others in person is something called a munch. These are casual gatherings — usually held in public places like coffee shops or restaurants — where people in the kink community come together to socialize and talk without pressure.

If you’re not sure where to find one, try joining local groups online first. Many of them will share info about upcoming events like munches or workshops near you.

Trust Your Gut and Stay Safe

An old partner of mine used to say, “Red flags aren’t invitations.” That stuck with me. If something feels off about a person or situation, listen to that inner voice. Your instincts are there to protect you.

There are websites out there for meeting others in the kink world. For example, FetLife is a large community platform open to all kinds of identities and interests. Recon is more focused on men connecting with other men. These sites can be helpful, but they come with risks too — so approach with care.

Wrapping It All Up

Starting your journey into kink doesn’t mean you need to have all the answers right away. What matters most is staying curious, learning how to communicate openly, and trusting your instincts. Every step you take is part of discovering what feels good, safe, and true for you.

Remember, nobody becomes an expert overnight. Even the most experienced kinksters are still learning and adjusting as they go. Give yourself permission to take things slow, explore at your own pace, and enjoy the process.

Whether online or in person, what you’ll find is a community built on consent, respect, and a shared sense of adventure. And once you start connecting, you’ll see: you’re not alone in your curiosity — you’re part of something bigger.